So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
