Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You have to summon your inner elephant
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
