Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
