dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We had to coat check the pizza.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
