it hurts more in the daytime
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
