i think my tv is drunk
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
