I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
