last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
