hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
