I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
