So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
