I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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