the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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