I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Someone shattered a urinal.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
