Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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