I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
