well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
