Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
