quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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