I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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