Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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