Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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