I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
