i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
