My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
