Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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