She tied me up with her honor cords...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
