wanna go halves on a baby?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You ruined the universe
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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