forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
