I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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