When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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