It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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