Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
