i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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