You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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