when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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