my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
