I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
