He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
