I met the friendliest cop last night
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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