We won't sleep together?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
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