Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sext me about skeletons
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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