Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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