I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
