Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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