I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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