walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
