I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
