I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
im holly from the hills drunk
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Holy sore nipples Batman
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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