Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
